Journaling the 90s

I’ve survived a week of school now. Tripping through the halls doing my usual things. It hasn’t been as horrible as I thought it would be but it hasn’t been good either, bearable. I haven’t been entirely lonely, though the Freshmen are cliquey and annoying. I have a frosh gimp though, named Elliot [Ed. Tully and I would pick out freshmen boys to ogle and call the gimps for some reason…] I sit next to him in drawing class.

My classes are good and interesting so my days go by quickly. I get off at 1:30 ‘cept Mondays when I have acting class until 6:30. I socialize in my classes with ease as there are always people to talk to.

It’s a new 3 weeks, I can feel the change. Thank god ‘cause this last one was hell. Tully leaving was like coming down off mushrooms it’s painful, all you want to do is sleep and you can’t.

I have some strength friendships, and a few new ones developing. I can see that I’ll get through this year all right with a few spots of fun, but for the most part it seems rather dull right now. PATIENCE

I’m horny but know better than to focus too much on it, because then you just get sexually frustrated but nothing happens. You have to just let it come at the right time.

Yesterday was Friday.I went to the bank to pick up my paycheck with Alyssa and Tessa, sophomore girls I know from last year. We shopped for a little while, then went home on the bus and ate dinner. My mom’s out of town for the weekend so I have the house to myself. 

Then I went to Stacia’s. I met a girl named Yilin who’s going to U.W. this year. She was a nice raver chick and we hit it off pretty well. It was a very relaxed evening but good not to be alone. I came home at One or so and read for a while. It was nice but not great.

I want adventures. I’m too stable now.

[Speaking of adventures. I am about to go on a big one for two weeks or so and won’t be around to update this tumblr. I may get it together to schedule some posts in my absence, but I may not. In any case, I will be back soon!]

School was low and frustrating. It’s very strange to be older than half the school. All these kids look so young. I didn’t really see any friendships to pursue.

South is much more formal and regulated and discourages socializing. It’s difficult but I’ll keep in mind that I started school with a massive hangover and no sleep. Perhaps tomorrow it will look a little bit more manageable.

Friday after school I met up with Ally, I think there was some tension between us from Stacia’s party, so we argued but we made up within an hour. Then Josiah picked us up and we went to his house to hang out. I was exhausted but it felt good to ride the edge like that. Never stopping. It’s an escape. Ally had to go to a play so she left. 

Josiah and I talked and stuff and then attempted to nap.but we were interrupted  so we left and went to Allen Brothers. 

Zeo was there and asked Josiah to rescue him, so all of a sudden I had to hang out with Zeo, whom I hadn’t seen since Tully left. I felt energetic and stressed. Ally met up with us again and Jobi arrived. I didn’t want to see or touch or talk to the bastard so I made us all leave.

We stopped by a kegger, but it was lame so we went to Josiah’s to get alcohol an then drove to the cliffs. Josiah and I got drunk (I was trying to get Josiah drunk and in the process got drunk as well.

We stopped by Albertson’s and joked around in there. All of a sudden Josiah goes “hey Javi, hey!” Javi was there, he just happened to be there when we were he was really stoned and looked so pretty in the cat food aisle. Zeo was talking to Javi, then hugged joked around, it was so strange to me. To see them like that. 

So did I ‘call’ him? Unite my past and future? I don’t now but I don’t want to jinx anything. Isn’t it weird though?

So I went home drunk with Ally. We talked and stuff and played around. And Saturday I spent with my family ‘cause Jacob and his wife just got back in town so we we’ve been spending a lot of time together.

 [reading about the many activities of this day ad all of its accompanying feelings exhausts me. It also makes me think of this song..”He thought an Albertson’s stir fry dinner would make his apartment a home”]

Last night was really good, I called Tully and though I cryed it was much softer than last time. So good to hear her voice though, breaking through the waves.

I talked to the “girls” today and though they tried to manipulate me and bring me down, it sounded distant and didn’t faze me. Familiar, I remembered it from when I was just giving up my ties to them for Tully.

So last night Josiah picked me up and we drove down to Allen Brothers. Jamie P. was there. She’s always been a fascination of mine. One of those perfection girls, always going somewhere, doing something. Accomplishing everything you’re need to accomplish in order to satisfy whatever you’re supposed to satisfy.So I talked to her for a while and then went and sat with Josiah watching Allen Brothers life roll by.

Then we went to Laurence’s house. I’ve only been there once, the first time I did mushrooms. It’s always seemed medieval to me, sort of like Princess of the Bride [sic.] 

The slew boys and their devoted girls were all there smoking pot on a blanket. One that I’ve always crushed over was there. His name’s Jean, a younger, nicer version of Zeo. By the end of the night I had successfully captured his attention, as well as a girl named Rose, a powerful girl.We talked for almost two hours and Josiah gave me a ride home.

It was so much better to be around boys. Girls are too insecure and wrapped up in their own games. They drag me down and make me feel weak too. Plus they bore me and I end up putting on a show for them, which makes it impossible to ever have real conversations. Few girls have really penetrated me, and guys have only been able to sexually. I’d like to meet a close girl this year. Aw well as some powerful ones.

[OMG, “only boys have penetrated me?” I was still a virgin so I guess I was doing some metaphoric double entendre here? My disavowal of all women here is kind of a bummer. As I recall, all the coolest girls were saying they only liked being friends with boys and I wanted to be a part of this club too. Sad.]

Morning before school.

It’s the first day of school (officially) and I’m hungover (typical).

I went to Stacia’s last night and drank a couple Mickey’s and somehow persuaded my mom to let me stay there. It was me, Stacia, Riva, and a crew of other people sliding in and out. Neighbors, chubby girls ‘waiting to be discovered,’ and drunk boys looking to score (don’t worry, not with me).

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. It wasn’t just due to the noice or my drunken consciousness I just couldn’t hit it. I tossed and turned in Stacia’s bed ‘till 3:30, then woke with a start at 4:30. So I’m starting school hungover, and sleep deprived. Ah well, I’ve got my coffee at hand.

It’s been Bjork days. That elated deep thinking mood where only she can fit inside your head. I get that way sometimes.

I can’t believe I have to go to school. I feel like I ought to be in college by now, but Tully always warns me not to grow up too fast, so I’ll try to enjoy it while I have it.

[Ugh, going to the first day of school hungover when you are 15 = not cool, although I was correct in thinking it was something a college stuent might do…]

Vulnerability and lonelyness are so scary. But, better to regret the things you’ve done then the things you haven’t, right?

On Saturday I was desperate for companionship so I went to Stacia’s cocktail party. I got drunk fast, chugging beers to ease the conversations.

I met a girl named Becky, sat on her lap, and she was sitting on Jobi’s (26 years old, skanky, sleazy) lap. He’s her boyfriend. Me and her hit it off really well. Jobi kept touching me though. It was so dumb that I bought into it. But human affection is such a hard thing to resist when you’re on the edge of isolation.

Ally joined me on his lap. We all kind of moved to the couch, plus Annie, a girl I’ve always crushed over, and Kamaria. I held Ally’s hand, stuck under so many people I couldn’t get up.

Kim, Zeo’s ex, sat down with us. Jobi pushed us together and we kissed. It was so funny to kiss her, ironic. Girls were so much preattier than boys that night. I kissed jobi too. I didn’t really want to but he attacked me, holding my head. I don’t know how to stop things like that.

Somehow I was pulled into Raven’s room with all of them except Kim. Doug was in there too. I kissed them all. Every boy and girl in there, we were all kissing. Ally said, “this isn’t like you Naomi.” I blew it off to being drunk. But really I just fell into the trap of someone wanting me. I didn’t mean to join an orgy but it felt good. Fake full.

Then we went to the other room. Stacia and this sexy kid Dustin was in there. I made out with Dustin a lot. I don’t necessarily regret anything that happened. I didn’t have sex with anyone and I didn’t even let anyone go down there. I got felt up a lot but you can’t catch a disease.

The only thing is it was just a stupid thing to let myself fall into. If I didn’t realize that I could turn into Stacia. I’ve always been the one to learn things the hard way. I will never let myself be that desperate again.

So yesterday I slept it all off, then spent the night at Sylvia’s watching movies, and today I’ve got plans with Louise. Summer’s over. It’s September, thank god.

[Man do I wish this read as some sort of sex-positive joyous mass hook-up. But the truth is, it doesn’t. Slut-shaming was alive and well in Eugene in 1997, and I felt pretty sure I was wearing a red scarlet letter for months following this heavy petting night. Also, all of the girls involved in this little event were under the age of 18, while the boys range from 19-26. I was, you remember 15, and apparently not able to tell a 26 year old man to stop making out with me. In fact he made me do more than make out with him, which I guess I was too embarrassed to write about. Nothing much more than making out because as he told me that night “we won’t do anything illegal.” Ugh, it gives me the creeps just thinking about this dude and it’s been like 15 years. I can only hope someone eventually kicked him in the nuts like he deserved.

Oh, also, one of the saddest sentence I think I had wrote in a journal thus far. “I don’t know how to stop things like that.” I hope if I have children someday I can equip them with the tools they needs to stop things like that. And I hope I teach them not push themselves sexually onto others.]

A new day, or rather evening now. 

As dumb as it sounds it helps that I worked eight hours today. Subjecting myself to something humanely standerdised. Not the best method, but it worked.

Last night I pulled myself out of that desolate funk by going to extreme measures I knew I couldn’t get through without fulfilling some sort of hollow social outing. So I rode my bike down to Ally’s work to speak to her face-to-face. 

I assumed the worst, that she’d try to get out of the plans and we’d get in some nasty fight that would leave me satisfied but bitter. Instead, she, facing no attractive alternatives, stuck to them and promised to meet me at eight.

So I rode home and instead got in a fight with my mom, and it was satisfying  however cruel.

So I met her and we walked to Oasis where I bought dinner, and then to Southtown Lanes  to bowl with Kirk, Mary, and some girl with low self-confidence (does Kirk have a type?).

I didn’t bowl, but I sang along to the oldies and ‘social flitted’ - which always boosts my confidence. All of the Allen Brothers regulars had the same idea and the place was swarming with teen spirit.

Then I got a ride home. Ally had other plans (which was ok, I had to work  the next morning). My mom was drunk with her friend Randy (who is remarkably like Grayson) and I talked her into making me food and then I retired to bed with Charles Dickens - David Copperfield..

This morning I woke up at six for work and rushed breakfast, then rode my bike to campus. It felt good. Tisha’s ex-boyfriend is in my crew so I talked to him and met a nice guy. There’s also a cute boy on my crew which keeps me entertained.

I’m excited because my mom went to get my schedule today and I’m taking challenging classes (don’t I sound studious! I’ll probably regret that). Finally, an English class where I’ll have to work!

I talked to Tully today, we both need to be patient. Something impossible, but we’ll hit a balance.

[The job I reference here was a horrible one. Teenagers worked on crews as “casual” employees to clean dorms for the college. The best part of the job was using the chemical spray that froze off gum, and dropping objects you wanted to steal out the window during work, to be collected later.]

So I’m not doing ok. One Friday night alone is fine, but Saturday night as well ——————-

I’m lonely, but not too lonely to grovel at the feet of old friends. I couldn’t care less about them. And the ones who I thought cared about me are sharing their true colors. 

“I just really had to have a conversation with you…” “It’s called work, Naomi.” Ally said. As if I was some ungrateful selfish brat. So sorry to have come to my friend when I was upset. I tried to talk to Ellen as well. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” 

They all make me sick. I know I have more confidence in myself though. Because before I would have blamed myself. But I know I’ve tried, they’re all completely insane, and to hang out with them just makes me feel bad about myself. Why should I subject myself to this?

The only person I want to talk to right now is Tully. But she’s gone and I don’t want to bother her with my trivial problems when hers are much worse.

I don’t know where to go from here though. To just go out on the street and search for someone I can actually learn from? I can’t learn anything from my old friends. I’ve exhausted them.

I guess I’ll hold onto the rope for now. But I won’t let myself fall into the trap of subjecting myself to them fully. That’s an awful trap that I’ve run into once before. God, they’re so bad.

I’m ready for school to start and the way everything feels. Walking down the hall, stalking crushes, even crying in the upstairs bathroom, or, when you can’t hold it in, in the main hall.

I even remember the way it feels to sit through one boring bullshit class after another. And of course, the gasp of air in skipping. Yea, I’m ready to go back. And I’m especially ready for Fall to hit. I wish it would.

And I know this year will be bearable because there’s nowhere to go but up, right? And I will make friends that will appear worthwhile. And I won’t give in to the pathetic excuses for friendship in the meantime. That’s weird, I never realized that word — mean - time.

I will never let any of those girls read my journal, or into me, again.

[Ha, the irony that many of those girls now do read my journal, more than a decade later. I don’t know why I was so mad at all my friends in the Summer of ‘97, but the idea that I had exhausted them is perfect. While I meant it here in that I had exhausted of them all the great things they could teach and share with me, I now read it the other way - I had exhausted them because I was an exhausting person to be friends with. I demanded so much attention and care. I think I have mellowed a bit in my old age, but only because those patient girls taught me how to be a better friend. So thanks, ladies.]

So the days since Tully has left pass by slowly. I try not to think about the fact that I can’t see her. Try not to let it pull me down.

I talked to her yesterday. I was at Josiah’s, trying to maintain a friendship that doesn’t really exist anyway. Grayson was there too. We watched movies and pretended that everything was normal, didn’t work. Faltering conversations with a strained edge. We were all trying too hard. Seems impossible ‘cause we’re missing the component that holds us together.

So she called and I talked to her. She was crying and had been for two days straight. She hates Berkeley, both the city and the college. And she feels like she’s in prison. Nobody’s friendly and she’s trapped in a downward cycle. 

I tried to comfort her and help her think of alternatives, like switching colleges, planning visits. But they were hollow words. This is so insane. Why should anyone be trapped four years somewhere they hate, in a situation that makes them miserable? If this is what being an “adult” is supposed to be, I don’t ever want to grow up.

She told me that I had the gift of dreams. Which I just figured out and I’ve decided to keep a dream journal. Dreams I have consistently come true and it’s getting stronger.

Before Tully left I had a dream that we were given presents. She received a box of California raisins and a poem written in Shakespear form. One line was something like “go forward into the future without looking back ever.” Tully was very upset with that and said “what’s that supposed to mean?” One the phone (yesterday) she said to me “I don’t see why we’re supposed to look forward to the future without looking back. What’s that supposed to mean?” I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Especially since the shit with Zeo. 

Last night I watched movies with Ellen and tried to pertend we were great friends. We woke up at 1:30pm and played dominoes. Setting up elaborate designs and I didn’t have to pretend, perhaps because we were doing something creative, that required skill, like old times, but weren’t straining for the first time I didn’t have to in days, and it felt great.

[It’s hard when friendships change or start to break apart. All of this was pre-facebook too, so I couldn’t just follow all of Tully’s minutia on her wall. Now my friends are all scattered across North America but Tully was the first one to set up life somewhere new.]

DRUNK. I got drunk tonight, though I wasn’t even planning on it. I got drunk.

I went school shopping with my mom, bought pants, underwear, bras, sock, etc., and then came home to type up a story on the computer, which I’m not finished with yet. I’ll put it in the journal though.

So Sylbia flaked on me and I called up Josiah and decided to go to Allen Brother’s with him and see what happened. 

Joe was there, in full rave gear, looking beautiful as ever. And though he was too overwhelming to talk to, I WISH SOMEDAY I FOOL AROUND WITH JOE.

Anyway, Stacia showed up with Daniel and invited us to her old house to drink. So Josiah and I went, and I got very very drunk and played with everybody. Daniel and I flirted.

When I was leaving, Stacia said ask Josiah to give us 5 minutes and I said, “only if you kiss me.” Daniel said “I want some of that, so I kissed him 4 or 5 times.” He’s a nice-ish kisser, soft. Then I left with Josiah and had a tweeker conversation with him.

It was a good, full night!

[Oddly I have a picture of Joe the Raver. Odd because we never did “fool around” - in fact, I never even talked to him. I was too much of a coward to do much more than steal pictures of him and write about him in my journal..Also, in regards to Daniel. My mom took me out to some kind of intervention style dinner that year and told me I needed to clean up my act and asked why I couldn’t have nice, successful friends that were going somewhere in life, like that boy Daniel she had read about in the newspaper. I had to bite my tongue… ]

Early afternoon, it’s finally gray out. Not rain, but at least a sign that things will pass.

Tully left at 8:00am this morning [Ed. Tully was two grades above me, and thus at the start of my Junior year she was heading off to college at Berkeley] And when I left last night I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. Everything was such backwash. So all I said was goodnight. She looked beautiful, telling me not to worry, that everything would be fine, and I heard her falter.

All night leading up to… we tried to pretend it wasn’t really happening, that it was just an eventful summer evening. Pointless, ‘cause around 10pm Tully started to crack and left to fuck Josiah. But we tried.

There was a RAVE outdoors. So me, Josiah, Tully, Zeo, and Grayson piled into Josh’s suberu and headed off to the wilderness, apssing through Veneta, into old logging areas. We saw a railroad bridge, so we stopped and crawled up to it and crossed it. Loose planks and railroad ties.

I stopped halfway and peered off into the black river, where my eyes got lost. Tully took pictures of all of us up there. We looked so strong and real, but weak, all at the same time. It was unsettling since we’d played such important roles and always would. Maybe that was the real goodbye, all those click of the camera shutter. Capturing forever what never used to need to be captured.

We finally got to the Rave and Tully began to fall apart. I know her so well, I could watch the change in her. Deteriorating from being able to deal with society. 

The rave hadn’t really started yet, and there were only a few people there. But in full form rave culture, everyone was very polite and nice and introduced themselves a lot. But as the night wore on more and more people showed up. I was suprised to see that I knew so many of them. Flitting from social group to social group, dancing, getting sucks into the vortex of the fire and the beat. Always with Grayson in tow. We stole beer an got slightly drunk.

I saw a skater boy I’ve always been fascinated with. He’s one that’s very, very good, and always has the expression on his face of not needing anyone. I had noticed him a lot this year and as he was standing by the fire I caught his eye successfully several times, and he watched me for a long time dancing by the fire. it felt good. Trapping a boy’s attention, catching them. Anyway, later I asked him his name “Farrin” and told him he didn’t look very happy. Now he’ll notice me on the street and stuff. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk to him again.

Clouds were rolling over in the sky, and it made me so happy, the chance of rain. Rave boys are so mystical to me. It’s silly, they act as if nothing is important to them and all I want to do is go in to them and make something matter.

Driving back into Eugene between Zeo and Grayson, they wouldn’t stop picking on me, calling me names, and I hit them, punched them, dissed them back. But it was good natured. After a while it got old and it was good to see Grayson leave. Though I would rather have seen Zeo go than Grayson.

Back at Tully’s, we watched TV and talked a bit, but nobody could keep up intelligent conversation or even anything witty. So Josiah drove me home. I hugged Tully goodbye, but what can you do? So she tried to make it easier. But I just feel raw and empty, like their something missing. But I don’t know what it is.

Anyway, that was my last night with Tully.

[Tully and I lost touch after keeping in infrequent contact for many years. I think many things in life turned out not so great for her but I hope she is doing better these days. It’s strange because I think if anyone had been betting on us they would have expected me to fall into some of the struggles with drugs/alcohol etc. that she ended up in. But you can’t place your bets too early in life it seems. And they are just bets anyway..Tully, if you read this ever, I wish you all the best. Our friendship in 1997 was like a cult, and taught me many things about being a human.]