Early afternoon, it’s finally gray out. Not rain, but at least a sign that things will pass.
Tully left at 8:00am this morning [Ed. Tully was two grades above me, and thus at the start of my Junior year she was heading off to college at Berkeley] And when I left last night I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. Everything was such backwash. So all I said was goodnight. She looked beautiful, telling me not to worry, that everything would be fine, and I heard her falter.
All night leading up to… we tried to pretend it wasn’t really happening, that it was just an eventful summer evening. Pointless, ‘cause around 10pm Tully started to crack and left to fuck Josiah. But we tried.
There was a RAVE outdoors. So me, Josiah, Tully, Zeo, and Grayson piled into Josh’s suberu and headed off to the wilderness, apssing through Veneta, into old logging areas. We saw a railroad bridge, so we stopped and crawled up to it and crossed it. Loose planks and railroad ties.
I stopped halfway and peered off into the black river, where my eyes got lost. Tully took pictures of all of us up there. We looked so strong and real, but weak, all at the same time. It was unsettling since we’d played such important roles and always would. Maybe that was the real goodbye, all those click of the camera shutter. Capturing forever what never used to need to be captured.
We finally got to the Rave and Tully began to fall apart. I know her so well, I could watch the change in her. Deteriorating from being able to deal with society.
The rave hadn’t really started yet, and there were only a few people there. But in full form rave culture, everyone was very polite and nice and introduced themselves a lot. But as the night wore on more and more people showed up. I was suprised to see that I knew so many of them. Flitting from social group to social group, dancing, getting sucks into the vortex of the fire and the beat. Always with Grayson in tow. We stole beer an got slightly drunk.
I saw a skater boy I’ve always been fascinated with. He’s one that’s very, very good, and always has the expression on his face of not needing anyone. I had noticed him a lot this year and as he was standing by the fire I caught his eye successfully several times, and he watched me for a long time dancing by the fire. it felt good. Trapping a boy’s attention, catching them. Anyway, later I asked him his name “Farrin” and told him he didn’t look very happy. Now he’ll notice me on the street and stuff. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk to him again.
Clouds were rolling over in the sky, and it made me so happy, the chance of rain. Rave boys are so mystical to me. It’s silly, they act as if nothing is important to them and all I want to do is go in to them and make something matter.
Driving back into Eugene between Zeo and Grayson, they wouldn’t stop picking on me, calling me names, and I hit them, punched them, dissed them back. But it was good natured. After a while it got old and it was good to see Grayson leave. Though I would rather have seen Zeo go than Grayson.
Back at Tully’s, we watched TV and talked a bit, but nobody could keep up intelligent conversation or even anything witty. So Josiah drove me home. I hugged Tully goodbye, but what can you do? So she tried to make it easier. But I just feel raw and empty, like their something missing. But I don’t know what it is.
Anyway, that was my last night with Tully.
[Tully and I lost touch after keeping in infrequent contact for many years. I think many things in life turned out not so great for her but I hope she is doing better these days. It’s strange because I think if anyone had been betting on us they would have expected me to fall into some of the struggles with drugs/alcohol etc. that she ended up in. But you can’t place your bets too early in life it seems. And they are just bets anyway..Tully, if you read this ever, I wish you all the best. Our friendship in 1997 was like a cult, and taught me many things about being a human.]